Avaritia Doctrina by Chris Green
Despite my First in Unreliable History, I am finding it difficult to get a job. Although my dissertation on The Eight Wives of Henry the Sixth earned a distinction, employers, don’t seem to be interested in taking me on. Or even have the decency to reply to my application letters. Unscrupulous Economics might have been a better choice for my degree programme. Barry Christ with his 2:2 secured a well-paid job in the City straight away and he did next to no work during his three years at Keele. He claims one term he did not attend a single lecture. And in no time at all he became a hedge fund manager. I don’t think Kieran Next went in once after Registration on his Market Manipulation degree and he certainly knows his way around the money markets. Tara Vain with her Diploma in Woke Dialectics was snapped up by a blue chip media company on a big salary, with a Lexus RX and comprehensive company health insurance thrown in. And Pete Free who opted for Golf Science, and dropped out in Year 2, is doing very well in his position with the Sports Development Council.
Unreliable History, it seems, does not have the cachet it enjoyed when Roger Moore was Prime Minister. The Daily Squib’s sustained attacks on the Arts can’t have helped my situation. Nor is the Squib the only paper to campaign on the issue. The Daily Grudge suggests that universities ought to drop Humanities altogether. Start all undergraduates out instead on Greed 101 maybe as a foundation module. Only then should they be able to choose their Field. Harrison Sock, who was on my course, feels that things have not been the same since Princess Tracey died in the high-speed car chase through the streets of Milan. I’m not sure that there is any connection between the two, but standards have unquestionably dropped in recent years. Quality control is all but non-existent. You might blame the unethical stance of the political elite or the extraordinary accumulation of wealth of their collaborators for the seemingly terminal decline. Whatever the reason, our expectations have been scaled down and our freedoms have been eroded. You can no longer buy that doggie in the window for instance or put a tiger in your tank.
I decide that if I am ever going to get on, I need to change tack. I need to read up on Unscrupulous Economics. On my visit to Blackwells, I am spoilt for choice. I am at a loss to know where to begin. I am faced with multiple shelves arranged into alphabetical sub-sections. Acquisition, Chicanery, Deception, Embezzlement, Entrapment, Greed, etc. Surely there must be a lot of overlap. I ask the manager which one he recommends as a primer to take me through the basics, and I come away with Easy Money by Professor Kostas Moros, which at a thousand pages give or take a few, looks like it might offer a comprehensive introduction to what is clearly a complex subject. It is particularly informative, he says, on setting up a Ponzi Scheme. You can make huge sums in a very short space of time, he says. It sounds as if he is talking from personal experience. He gives me a list of further reading, all of which I notice are expensive.
In the first couple of days, I learn how to set up a fake identity and how to launch a bogus company. Kostas Moros’s treatise may be a little wordy, but it appears that the attention to detail pays off. Within a week, my new enterprise, Max Tempo Global is up and running, and within a month, it is raking it in, my new offshore accounts are looking healthy, and I have someone to manage my cryptocurrency.
While it matters what you elect to go for at university, my experience shows there are ways in which you can catch up, but first of all, you need to abandon all ideas of fairness and dispense with all sense of decency and ethics. You need to understand the simple principle that if you haven’t got it, it means that someone else has. To get ahead, you need to turn this around to you having it and someone else not having it. No watering down of this precept is going to work. Sharing is not an option. There’s never enough to go around, so you have to grab what you can when you can. None of this is going to make you popular, but that’s the price you have to pay. It’s a dog-eat-dog world. Besides, when you are rolling in it, you just might find you are popular again. It’s swings and roundabouts.
In addition to establishing a network of new contacts when you start out in business, it’s important to make use of friends and acquaintances you already have. Think of it as them helping you rather than you exploiting them. I have been fortunate that my people are resourceful. Max Tempo Global benefits greatly from access to Tara Vain’s media outlets. I am able to take advantage of Barry Christ’s hedge fund, and Kieran Next’s short-selling experience is invaluable. But I might leave Pete Free’s golf facilities for another day. There are better way to enjoy one’s leisure time.
If you know anyone who is contemplating university, persuade them to choose a course that will make them money. Unscrupulous Economy is solid. Political Chicanery will do nicely, or perhaps Statistical Manipulation. Covert Pharmacology might pay off or Applied AI. Woke Dialectics, of course, might seem a good choice at the moment, but this may not last. If they don’t choose wisely, or are just going to university for the crack, there’s going to be a heavy price to pay later on. To just stay afloat they will have a whole bunch of catching up to do. Tell them that at all costs they must avoid Arts and Humanities or spend year upon year in a state of penury. University should not be taken lightly.
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