We Tap Any Phone


We Tap Any Phone by Chris Green

Monday morning

There was a thick layer of dust on the car again this morning. It was more than just a sprinkling this time. I only took it to the car wash last Thursday. This wasn’t a dust storm coming in from the Sahara; it was an ash deposit coming from the spy base three hundred yards away. Several times a month, they burn their confidential waste and if the wind is in the right direction the residue is deposited in the vicinity of my house. Late in the evening, a big plume of smoke rises up to the sky, like a mini 9/11. You would think that with all the sophistication of their kit these days they would be able to find a better way of getting rid of their secret papers. What is wrong with shredding? You must be able to get industrial scale shredders.

Tuesday evening

The base’s activities are really starting to get to me. I haven’t been able to pick up a single TV channel since they installed their new equipment. And my phone only seems to work on Sundays. BT say they cannot do anything about it. And the mobile is no use. There’s just no signal once you get close to the site. The people at the base don’t appear to work on Sundays; the car park is always empty when I walk Rolf, after lunch at The Whistle Blower. There is definitely a connection (or not, lol). The white radome that recently appeared behind the razor wire fence may look like a golf ball but beneath it I am told is a giant satellite dish. Merv is not a conspiracy theorist, he knows his stuff. He used to work for Department Ж. If he says there is a ninety-foot dish, then there is a ninety-foot dish.

Wednesday morning

I’ve had an idea. Street art, a mural! Of the dish. Decorated with of dozens of mobile phones. Or a phone and a tap. Maybe a sniper or two. I’m going to go out and buy the things later. I’ve been reading up on how to cut stencils and I saw a handy looking builder’s tarpaulin with a support frame in the DIY store when I went to buy the extension pole to clean the residue off the upstairs windows. I can buy the spray paints at the same time. B and Q has a good selection of colours. All I need is to think of some way of avoiding the banks of cameras around the base. Even the street lights are cameras.

Thursday evening

I’ve found the perfect place. There is a blind spot on the cameras. I noticed it while I was walking Rolf earlier. I approached it from both directions to make sure. There is a row of half a dozen older style terraced houses with the end of one of them facing the base. There are not even any street lights. It’s also one of the few places around there without double yellow lines. I can hire a white van and park it up.

Friday evening

I cut the stencils out this morning. The process is quite time consuming, but it is easier than you would imagine if you do drawings first. I used to go to art classes at the community centre, so this part was not too hard. I spent the afternoon watching YouTube videos on spray can art technique. Short sharp bursts from each can from about eight inches seems to be the key and you can smudge it and make shapes and patterns applying newspaper to the paint before it dries. You have to be quick, but it seems to work. I have hired the van, loaded up and now I am ready. Davy is going to help. Davy might not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but he is keen and he doesn’t argue. I’m picking him up at 1 a.m.

Saturday evening

It went like a dream last night. We fixed the tarpaulin around the side of the house and got cracking. It was a quiet night. Only once or twice did we hear voices. When we did we crouched down and kept quiet. Passers-by just assumed that our tarpaulin was a sign that routine work was being carried out. The base often had the pavement dug up for workmen to lay cables, so our lean-to tarpaulin did not seem suspicious. We finished just as the dawn was breaking. The mural of the radome with the sniper standing on top looked quite professional, I thought, for a first attempt. The radome was made up of dozens of stencilled mobile phones in day-glo colours. I finished it off with WE TAP ANY PHONE, in large caps. The finished work looked good. I dropped Davy off and took the van back. I was dog tired. I slept all day. Rolf has been barking a lot. I think he wants a walk, but I’d better leave it until tomorrow.

Sunday morning

There was a helicopter hovering overhead all of last night. They are waiting for me to break cover. My stencil street art really seems to have upset them. Davy phoned me to say it was on the front of the local paper and was on the TV news. I hoped I’d remain anonymous – at least for a while. Banksy has managed it for twenty years. No-one knows who Banksy is. Banksy probably doesn’t know who Banksy is. I have a suspicion that Davy might have tipped the papers off, and the TV people. I can’t watch it on TV of course and my internet seems to have been cut off. And, although it is Sunday and the phone is working, every time I pick it up I hear a high pitched humming sound. Merv is coming round later with his sound bandwidth sensor. He says if he sets it to a low frequency and the bandwidth indicator pops a couple of times per minute then my phone is tapped. I imagine it is tapped. It would be remiss of them not to.

© Chris Green 2014: All rights reserved

Manila Folders – A ‘Man’s Story’


Manila Folders – ‘a man’s story’ by Chris Green

Officially my job doesn’t exist. Nor do the jobs of the other operators in Department Ж. Department Ж is a clandestine organisation, with no mailing address, phone number or website. It appears on no records. Its offices are to be found only by the very determined, hidden as they are in a remote location behind miles of razor wire. Our best guess is that we are government employees, although which government might be open to conjecture. It has been suggested that we might all be taking part in a reality TV show. There are certainly sufficient cameras around the place. All we are sure of is that someone pays us – handsomely – in bitcoin. No one actually applied for their job, we were each individually head-hunted. Perhaps our employer is Tesco, or HSBC, or one of the global pharmaceutical giants. After all, large corporations are now more powerful than governments.

My job is to make alterations to details in old newspaper reports, making sure that all archived copies of the edition in existence are consistent with the revised version of events. I have to make my amendments invisible. I come from a printing background, but things have moved on so fast that this is probably irrelevant. But I do have a keen eye for detail and I am thorough in my approach.

No explanation is given for any of the alterations my colleagues and I have to make. Information is handed down on a need to know basis. We are discouraged from having contact with one another, beyond that which is absolutely necessary. We are only too aware that we are carefully monitored. Apart from the different codes I have to key in to enter different areas of the building, Department Ж also employs extremely sophisticated biometric technology using face, voice and lip movement recognition to identify a person at a number of different points on each floor. We accept all of this as part of our working practice, although sometimes I find the claustrophobia of secrecy taxing.

Sealed manila folders appear on my desk with instructions of the required changes. I have one now. I wave the file in the air.

What do you think this one is?’ I ask Ludwig, my colleague at the next desk.

Did you see the football last night? Franco played a blinder,’ says Ludwig, looking a little panicky about my reckless line of conversation. ‘He scored a hat-trick in the first half an hour.’

How about a small watercolour by completely unknown painter was taken from an art gallery in Lands End and they want us to change the name of the artist,’ I continue, in the absence of a suggestion from Ludwig.

It should be quite a game against Inter Milan,’ adds Ludwig. ‘They’ve signed Mussolini.’

There is a very slight whirring sound as several of the cameras pan round to focus on us. I feel like Winston Smith. In fact, in this milieu, I quite often feel like Winston Smith.

Yes it should be quite a game,’ I concede.

The folders come by night. I arrive at work at around eight. I show my security clearance to the armed militia on the gate, park my grey Prowler in the subterranean car park, take the lift to what might be the lower ground floor, but could also be the top floor as the entire construction is underground, and of course windowless. I get out swipe cards and key in numbers in the appropriate places and make my way to my desk. If there is a manila folder in the in tray, I open it and read through the instructions, work out how I can best go about the task, and get on with the job. The folder then has to be shredded. You might think that a shredder is just a shredder, but the sophistication of the department’s shredding machines is mind boggling.

I break the seal and open the folder. My guess is way off the mark. This is the gist of the contents.

Two years ago, The Shadowsea Gazette, a small local newspaper reported thus: Vladimir Zhulov(38) a security consultant, of Gloucester Road, was apprehended for breaking into the university library and charged to appear before Shadowsea magistrates. This has to be amended to: John Smith (43), a Big Issue vendor of no fixed address was apprehended for breaking into an outbuilding at Shadowsea Primary School. He was later released without charge. A net gain of one character, I notice instantly. A relatively easy task. I program it into the Newszap and select Baskerville Old Face, 11 point. Like most of the changes I make it seems of little consequence. Why is this information about a minor offence important? You tell me. Sometimes the amendments involve merely changing someone’s age, or occupation. Other times I have to replace an entire article and mock up some photographs. Occasionally I have to remove all references to an individual across a number of publications, but I think that it is fair to say that my endeavours are unlikely to bring down governments. This cannot be considered rewriting history in the Soviet sense.

Speaking of Soviets, my colleague, Jacques, tells me that Barcelona have just signed Brezhnev from Dynamo Kiev for 50 million euros. He will play up front alongside Honecker. I put it to Ludwig that Barcelona might beat Chelsea.

Not a chance,’ he says. ‘Chelsea have Polpot and Ceausescu.’

My work entails tracking down all the copies of the paper that are kept in archives and placing the amended passages in them. I use a NewsZap 2020. For those of you not familiar with the world of revisionist journalism, NewsZap, the result of several years of research and development and a multi-million dollar budget, is a state of the art pocket-sized device that erases the original newsprint and in an instant replaces it with the corrected passage. This is made out in exactly the same typeface as the original, applied with the same amount of pressure and taking up exactly the same amount of column centimetres on the page. No one would be able to notice that there had been any change. The device even simulates a fold or crease on the page and matches the degree of page discolourisation. But print is dying out. Archived material is of course now primarily electronic. Might my days be numbered?

Department Ж employs a staggering number of teckies whose role is to modify remote electronic information. Their work involves hacking into computers. These are the type of people that the top virus-checking software companies employ to compose the viruses and trojans that cripple computers and help to sell their products. My guess is that they get the very best. The Department offers them a very high salary. With the recent rise in bitcoin, this is just shy of £1 million. The teckies are based in the floor below us or is it the floor above. Once you have signed in, the lift has a randomiser, so that if you stray from your post you do not know where you are.

Locating all the archived copies of a newspaper and gaining access to these is one element of my work that can be extraordinarily time-consuming. As access usually has to be achieved without complicity, the operation needs meticulous planning and can be enormously labour intensive. In these days of high terrorist alert, many of the locations have extremely elaborate security. We have our own security specialists and we have a crack breaking and entry team as backup for night work. We have helicopters at our disposal in case aerial entry to premises is required. As while we do not officially have a licence to kill, a few fatal accidents along the way have been overlooked.

Should you be typing all this stuff in at work?’ asks Bjorn, with a look of concern on his face.

A camera arcs towards us. Bjorn too is seemingly a football fan. He comes out with something about Bayern Munich’s playmakers, Mugabe and Thatcher.

If a national daily is involved, sometimes an investigation can take several weeks. And as newspapers archives are now stored electronically, I often need to call in the teckies. DVD, DAT and RAID have become standard as a method of storing data for publishers and libraries along with of course, cloud. However, you may have read in some of the more serious broadsheets recently of instances where information archived this way has been found to be unaccountably corrupted. Cloud is definitely no longer a safe storage method. As for the others, our departmental operatives carry staggeringly powerful electromagnets. Dmitri, one of my colleagues, (incidentally a Parathanaikos supporter) accidentally switched his on in the car park a couple of months ago and I had to have all the electrics on the Prowler replaced.

I’m not engaged by the narrator,’ says Patti. ‘He’s not at all interesting. Besides that, he’s uncaring and nasty. In a word, I don’t like him. And all this football nonsense. This is a man’s story.’

As in history you mean, not herstory’

My reservations began three weeks ago. There had been sharp frosts for several days. It can be bitterly cold in this part of the country in January, temperatures frequently dropping to as low as minus twenty. I was having to get up several minutes early to allow time to defrost the windows and the windscreen of the Prowler. I live ten miles or so miles from the department’s base. The drive to work takes me along a little-used lane, through a small village, with perhaps three houses and a small farm, more of a hamlet really. Thereafter all traffic will be heading for the base. This was how I realised that I was being followed, rather clumsily I felt, by a driver in a black Apparition. Had the Apparition pulled in to the base I would not have been suspicious. If the truth be told, the first time it happened I thought that perhaps the driver was lost. There are after all no signposts anywhere nearby, certainly nothing to denote the presence of the base. The base does not even appear on Ordinance Survey maps. However, this happened three mornings in a row. At roughly the same point in the road each time, just past the barn conversion with the outsize satellite dish, I noticed the sinister looking black 4 by 4 with its bull bars and an army of fog lamps, large as life in my mirrors.

Over the following weekend, the same black Apparition followed me to a country park, the Prowler dealership (modifications to the satnav), The Whistle Blower public house, and the airport, where I was dropping off my wife, Ingrid. The driver followed at a discreet distance of a hundred metres or so, but every now and then he would tailgate me to let me know he was there. He remained hidden behind the Apparition’s reflective gangster-black windscreen.

Ingrid is a musician. She plays the cello in an internationally acclaimed symphony orchestra and is away from home for long periods. The orchestra seems to spend a lot of time touring Italy and Sicily. ‘I think you’re really a hitman for the mob,’ I joke with her sometimes. They’ve gone to Russia this time. Perhaps she has switched sides. Ingrid’s motives often seem a mystery to me. I am inclined to agree with Freud who said ’after forty years of dealing with women, I still don’t know what it is they want.’

On occasion, while Ingrid is away I use the Eros Escort Agency. I phone them, let them know what sort of arrangement I would like to make, and they send someone round to the house. I usually ask for Kyla, but on this occasion, I was told she was unavailable. Instead, they sent round a tall busty brunette who called herself, Paloma. Paloma looked fantastic in her little leather skirt and sheer black stockings, and performed every bit as well as Kyla, but I felt a little uneasy with her and I felt, her with me. Had I been less distracted, I might have been more suspicious of her. It must have been while I was in the bathroom that Paloma placed the discreet listening devices in my shirt collars. Unfortunately, it was several days before I discovered the first of these, during which time I had had several conversations that would have given away critical information about what I was engaged in. I was also followed twice during this time by a midnight blue Silhouette Turbo with blacked-out windows. Once again not the most discreet vehicle to tail someone with. I formed the impression that whoever was behind it wanted me to know I was being followed.

The story is phallocentric, a bit too James Bond,’ says Patti.’Women are here merely as ornamentation. There is no subject position that I can take up.’

I do not mention that James Bond is, in fact, the most popular fictional character in history, although clearly not herstory.

The more I thought about it, the accident last Tuesday involving the Stealth Diesel and The Subterfuge Nine Eleven seemed stage-managed. I was driving back from some reconnaissance work at the offices of the Dungeness Herald, along the link road when I came across it. The road had been relatively quiet when suddenly the traffic was backed up a couple of hundred yards. The two shots that grazed the roof of the Prowler seemed to have been more of a warning than an attempt at a direct hit. As a result of the accident the traffic was almost at a standstill, which would have given a sniper plenty of time to fire more shots, should he have wished to do so. Counting my lucky stars, but not wishing to hang around, I negotiated the debris from the crash and as soon as conditions permitted I put my foot down.

Over the next few days, I was subjected to a series of anonymous phonecalls. Each time I answered I was met with silence on the other end and each time the number was withheld. I suppose I could have got one of my techie colleagues to check it out. Tapping into the exchange would be small potatoes to them. But until I had a better handle on what was happening I did not want to cause undue alarm. Even last Friday, when I got home from having a few drinks at The Double Agent, to find a tank outside my house and a large crater in the front garden I did not panic completely, although this seemed to represent a step up in intimidation tactics. I had been on several military training courses in dealing with difficult or unexpected situations. I stiffened the sinews and summoned up the blood, or something else appropriate to the occasion. As the tank continued to bombard the house, I managed to creep away in the car unobserved. I drove around for a little while, acutely aware that I was over the limit, and decided to stay in a Travelodge. My grey Prowler, which I left in the hotel car park, is for no tangible reason now a red Prowler. Perhaps vehicle re-spraying is an extra service that they provide at Travelodge.

Yesterday I opened a manila folder that had appeared overnight on my desk to find something that really did panic me. I was instructed to amend a report of a motor accident that I myself had been involved in a few years ago. The original report relating to the accident had a sentence which read: Aaron Beazer (48), a specialist print technician, the driver of the Prowler was treated for minor head injuries and was later allowed to return home. This was to read: Aaron Beazer (48), unemployed, the driver of the other vehicle died later in hospital from head injuries sustained in the accident.

My job doesn’t exist. I do not need to resign. It seems like a good opportunity for a change. I have often fancied the idea of a houseboat in the Hindu Kush. I am packing some things. I hear the front door open and close. I go to the landing at the top of the stairs. Ingrid?…. Ingrid? Is that you? You’re not due back until next week. Why are you pointing that gu……………..

What was that all about?’ asks Patti.

Death of the Author; it’s the literary argument that to give a text an Author and assign a single, corresponding interpretation to it is to impose a limit on that text.’

You mean that the author’s intentions in creating a text are irrelevant in interpreting that text. That the writer can only imitate a gesture that is always anterior, never original’

Except that this really does concern the death of the author’

You always take things too literally. Anyway, I still don’t like it. It’s a man’s story.’

© Chris Green 2014: All rights reserved